Me. At least after what I've been through.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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