i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
