So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
