maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Thank you for not boning my boss.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
