bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
