Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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