i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
