Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
