Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
barbara walters just said penis...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
