dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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