put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Operation Purity has been aborted
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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