i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
