I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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