so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
