those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
