her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
