I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
