I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
