tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
