I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
