I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
