Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
