between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
