Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
