I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
