Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
