help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
