You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
