I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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