Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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