i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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