I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
