my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
