you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
