i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i would punch a child for taco bell
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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