My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
