i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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