my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
