I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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