I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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