Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
