I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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