Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
