mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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