i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
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