thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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