I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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