hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
