his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I queefed so loud it echoed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
