Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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